Many things to consider for parents in new relationships

Carrie Campbell.

It is complicated when a parent begins a relationship with a new partner; this continues to be true even when the “children” are adults themselves.
Adult children often experience a range of complicated and conflicting emotions to such news. If the parent previously separated from the child’s other parent, there may be feelings of divided loyalties, betrayal etc. If the child’s other parent is deceased, the child may feel a sense of betrayal, a renewed sense of loss of the other parent and the “family unit,” etc. Adult children may be suspicious of the intentions of the parent’s new partner. Hopefully adult children are also able to recognize the joy these relationships can bring to their parents.
It is when a relationship grows into a common law relationship or marriage that adult children often become concerned about the legal consequences of the relationship. If the relationship ultimately breaks down, there may be property and support issues to be resolved, with no certainty as to outcome. If the relationship lasts, the adult child may have had an expectation of an inheritance that is now in question or no longer realistic.
How the adult child reacts to the relationship and to the new partner is very important both to the parent/child relationship and to the parent’s relationship with the new partner.
If the adult child is not supportive of the relationship, conflict is inevitable, however the outcome is uncertain.   Perhaps one or both of the new partners will decide the conflict is too much to deal with and end the relationship; it is just as likely however that the parent will choose to continue the relationship and may have to limit contact with the child or sever ties altogether in order to do so.
As a lawyer I see the parent or new partner in the context of drafting a cohabitation agreement/marriage contract for both partners in order to draft new wills; I therefore hear the situation from the perspective of the new couple. It is terrible when a parent has had to “choose” between a partner and an adult child. I can only imagine the sadness and loss that must bring to a parent, however I expect they must feel anger as well. The new partner often feels confused, angry at how he/she is viewed and treated, guilty about the effects on his/her partner etc.   Sometimes the rift ripples down to even compromise the grandparent/grandchild relationship.
I think it is so important for these adult children to understand that their parents still want and need a committed relationship to feel fulfilled and to live life joyfully. The adult children need to be open to the new partner and let themselves get to know the new partner. If this person brings joy to your parent, that in and of itself is a reason to respect the relationship.
The new partner should also have some awareness or understanding that his/her partner’s children will have a period of adjustment as they get to know one another. Some of these families may benefit from some counselling, together and/or individually, in order to work through their feelings and issues as they arise.
The new couple must seriously consider the financial consequences of their new relationship and communicate their wishes and intentions to each other. It is important to get legal advice about the financial consequences of the relationship in the event of a separation or a death.
If the wishes/intentions of the partners do not coincide with the legal consequences of their relationship, it is important to enter into a cohabitation agreement or marriage contact to establish each partner’s rights and obligations and to have new wills drafted. In some situations it may be helpful to share this information with adult children, however a parent has no obligation to do so and he/she may resent a child’s feeling of entitlement to such information.
Ultimately respect and respectful communication will be necessary for both the new partners’ relationship and the adult child/parent relationship to continue to be positive.
Carrie A. Campbell has resided in Huntsville since 1997. She is married to Mark A. Reid and works as a lawyer and mediator in Huntsville.

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